Book review: Parenting beyond belief - On raising ethical, caring kids without religion

Information: A review of the book Parenting Beyond Belief.

Front cover of the book Parenting beyond belief: On raising ethical, caring kids without religionI became a father for the first time in July 2007, and until I read this book I was more concerned with how I was going to cope with changing nappies, sleepless nights, and other such things. However, I now realise that parenting involves more than this... For instance, there is the whole issue of how to raise your child to be a considerate and well-mannered individual, and also a positive member of society. There is also the question of whether religion will play any part in this process.

Although I have some very religious family members, who would be more than keen for us to raise our child in their faith tradition, as soon my wife and I found out we were pregnant we decided we would not be raising our child in any religious tradition, nor would we be getting our child baptised. The main reason for this is because both my wife and I are not members of any religion, nor do we have any real belief in the truth of any Scripture, founder of faith, God or the afterlife. We also believe that raising our child in one religious tradition encourages them to believe there is only one truth and one way, to the detriment of exploring other spiritual paths.

My child will learn about faith and all the different world religions, but this will be done in an educational rather than evangelical manner. Although my wife and I do not belong to (or practice) any particular faith-tradition, we believe that if ever our child chose to belong to one, that this should be their own decision and an informed choice.

For the non-religious parent, Parenting Beyond Belief is a wonderful insight and reflection by a variety of non-religious writers, across a range of topics and issues they will encounter as they seek to raise their children to be morally sensitive and caring individuals. Although some of the contributors are 'preachy' (Penn Jillette's atheist rant in 'Passing down the joy of not collecting stamps' being a notable example), most have at least some nugget or two to mine from them, keep and treasure.

One thing this book clearly showed me, was that parents who raise their children 'outside' of a faith-tradition are immediately disadvantaged in doing so. However, their disadvantage is not to do with them 'being away from the truth', or not teaching their child to do 'God's will' (whatever that means), but is more to do with the fact that with religion comes a ready-made set of beliefs and a moral-code with which to 'spoon-feed' your kids (and I use the term 'spoon feed' there deliberately). However, non-religious parents, being a diverse group of people, do not have such ready-made systems of belief and morality to hand, and as such they largely decide on a person-by-person basis how and what they are going to teach their children, and through what means and with what resources. Now on the one hand this is a very exciting situation for people to be in, but on the other (and as many contributors testified), this is also a very scary situation to be in.

It was great to see such a diverse range of topics being covered in the book, and especially good to see that none were ultimately concerned with 'bashing' religion and the religious.

The chapters in the book are set out as follows:

  • Personal reflections
  • Living with religion
  • Holidays and celebrations
  • On being and doing good
  • Values and virtues, meaning and purpose
  • Death and consolation
  • Wondering and questioning
  • Jaw-dropping, mind-buzzing science
  • Seeking community

As I read this book, I found myself reflecting on the following issues:

  • When my child sneezes should I say "Bless you"?
  • What am I going to tell my child when they ask where a relative is, who died several years ago?
  • How am I going to teach my child to relate to those children who have been raised to believe in a religious-tradition, and who tell my child that this alone is the 'truth'?
  • Should I teach my child to believe in Santa Claus?

'I made a decision at the beginning that I would not tell elaborate stories of how Santa gets his belly down the chimney or how the bunny gets those baskets in the house. When my oldest son, Blake, started asking these questions, I replied with my most common of all replies: "What do you think? I encouraged Blake to think the problems through.' (Noell Hyman, To Easter Bunny or Not to Easter  Bunny?)

Other things which stuck with me are:

  • If my child says they are an atheist then they cannot be a member of the Scout Movement in the USA, and so they lose this potential social outlet (a possible source of contention if they become good friend with someone who is a member of this organisation).
  • The importance of working out what you believe about something, before your child asks what you believe about it.
  • The idea that someone dying and going back into the earth (thus becoming a part of the trees and plants around them), is a wonderful and positive picture of the after (my) life.
  • That it is very hard to let your children make their own decision, and not impose your own beliefs and opinions onto them.

'People have lots of different ideas about what might happen after someone dies, but no-one knows for sure. What do you like to think Aunt Chandra might be doing?' (Rev. Dr. Kendyl Gibbons, Dealing with Death in the Secular Family)

The one thing this book shows very clearly, is that no non-religious parent has it all sorted out. Many times one senses that non-religious parents are finding their way around things, and basically trying things out to see what works with their children (one article is even titled, 'Growing up godless: How I survived amateur secular parenting'). Of course, many religiously-minded people will scoff at this and say that people are playing with the eternal future of their child's life. However, I believe that if there is a God that this Being would look at the efforts of the non-religious parent, with their desire to raise children who think for themselves and are a positive member of society, with their desire not to spoon-feed their children with ready-made answers, and with their desire to live an honest and open existence before others ("Yes, I am an atheist!"), and possibly say that this is closer to the spirit of true religion than anything else?

Maybe...

Recommended for teachers to use in lessons?

  • Paperback 304 pages
  • Published 1st May 2007